Forgiveness is Good for Your Health
We all experience painful moments with people in our lives; I have more times than I can count! Whether it’s been 20 years or it just happened last week, it can be a force so heavy that sometimes we feel trapped in our anger, sadness, and frustration. The reason we feel this way is because it is essentially a trap. Holding onto something that someone did or said puts you in chains.
Forgiveness opens up possibilities. It can literally set you free to be and do the things you were meant to do. Holding a grudge, blaming, and over analyzing can cause damage on levels we can’t even imagine. When old and new wounds stay present, there are ways to start to let go and pave a fresh path that allows you to take a deep dive towards a happier and healthier new year!
What Forgiveness Is….and What It Isn’t
Forgiveness is not about the other person. It’s not about letting them off the hook and being a doormat. Forgiveness is about you and the quality of life you want to live. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you agree with them or their behavior; it just simply means you have the grace and maturity to move through it.
Holding onto things creates stagnation in our emotional body and our physical body. This can lead to stress which can lead to any number of illnesses from heart disease and headaches to depression, anxiety, stomach issues, and even accelerated aging!
Think about where you have pain in your body and the things you say to yourself throughout the day; “she’s a pain in the neck” “he makes me sick to my stomach” “she broke my heart” “I wish they would get off my back.” The mind/body connection is really powerful.
So really, it’s out of self preservation that we need to forgive. Sure the other person will appreciate feeling love from you instead of disdain, but that’s really not the point. Forgiveness is self care and it’s what mature people do.
Steps towards Holistic Forgiveness
If you are going to forgive, you have to forgive completely, or what I like to call “holistic forgiveness.” You’re not just forgiving halfway and still bringing up all the crap that gets under your skin. It’s go big or go home time! You are looking at the entire situation (your part and theirs) and letting all of it float away.
When I have been hurt in the past I knew, instinctively, on some level that this was really unhealthy and I needed to find a clear path towards real forgiveness. These are the four steps I’ve practiced in the times I found forgiveness challenging or downright impossible:
Step #1: Accept How You Feel- All of it; the frustration, the sadness, the anger that seems to be burning inside you (because it is). Acknowledge it, look at it, and DO NOT be ashamed of it. I believe that shame is an epidemic in our society and has caused many of the problems that we see today. You can write your feelings in your journal, in a letter (whether you send it or not doesn’t matter), or on a piece of paper to burn. Accepting that you have feelings on the situation is part of clarity and if you aren’t clear, you can’t get very far!
Step #2: Forgive Yourself- Yes, you had some sort of part in your pain. It’s hard to admit it and face it, but it’s part of the road to healing. As small as it might have been, you have to forgive yourself for whatever you might have contributed. This is self love and self respect and you have to start with yourself before you can move on to anyone else.
Step #3: Let Go of It- Give it to God, the Universe, Source, whatever you resonate with. Take it out of your hands and off of your back. Stop carrying that baggage around like it’s a part of you. Our Ego wants us to think we can “fix it” or “change them” and this is just another trap. In releasing whatever it is to something higher than you, you literally “lighten up.”
Step 4: Send them Love, but Get Your Keys Back- This is the most important step, but sometimes the hardest. It is so important to send the person you are struggling to forgive love. This is not the time for anger and being “right.” You have to start the process with love but also with a sense of what you are no longer willing to put up with. You can be forgiving and loving without being pushed around & setting up real boundaries going forward. You have to get to a place where you can send them only love and this can take time. There are lots of loving kindness meditations you can do to prepare yourself for this.
It doesn't mean you agree with what the person did or said and it certainly doesn't mean you are going to be a doormat for any sort of abuse or pain they might throw your way. You are just simply letting them go with love and ease and without all the baggage that emotion can bring to the table.
Remember, forgiveness is about your health and happiness and it is essential to a fresh future. I hope these steps serve you well and get you back on your path feeling a little lighter and brighter.
Xx,
Beth
